When I tried to get another picture we got a surprise
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Visiting Teh MamaLama
So I took Moira Rose and Ariel over to my moms today for a visit and some fancy clothes for Valentines day! My mom introduced me to a new girl (now named Nadia) a"vinyl Evangeline Ghastly from Wilde Imagination, and sculpted by Robert Tonner"(as told to me by the same mamalama), who joined my little bitty family and we're happy to have her!
Welcome Nadia (the gorgeous tall one in the back!) So this is a family photo, and unfortunately you can see up Moria's skirt (oopsie!)
When I tried to get another picture we got a surprise
A sneaky Martie in the background! She noticed pictures were being taken and just had to get in one of them! So then we asked cousin Martie to stick around and say hello. She said she was glad Nadia had a nice family and someone to play with her!
When I tried to get another picture we got a surprise
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The truth... sucks
So, I've managed to work myself into a good solid pissed off misery.
Ann died a little over a year ago,and I find myself today furious at her. Furious at her for thing she said and did that didn't work out, and haven't worked out. And while people keep telling me it's stupid and I should remember all the good she did for me when she was alive, I can't help but be angry.
I am not going to say that what she did for me was nothing, it was a lot. She kept me going when I had no job, no food, she paid for things she bought me things and loved me. Nothing I am saying now, in my mind, takes away from that in any way.
What she did.... was mislead me. I don't think she did it on purpose I don't even think she knew it was going to happen but it did. I've been told for years that I was getting X amount when she died. (Which of course I didn't expect to see until I was well into my 30s thanks much). She told me that, explained that, showed it to me even when I hadn't asked, she felt it was important I know.
Not too long before she got her diagnosis, we'd made a deal. If I worked at my current job for 3 months, Jon and I could move into the house for less than we were paying for rent + utilities at our apartment. Less then a month after that, she found out she has cancer and that went out the window. Of course I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the situation, the circumstances, at the cancer and the doctor who took so long and the fact that one more good thing was gone, again.
I like many others felt the world shift and change when she died. A person I relied on for so much more than financial help had left the world. She was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to cry at, to vent too. She would listen, quietly, patiently and then say she was sorry and wished she could help. So often that was all I needed.
The only thing that was going to come out of her dying was having a chance for me to get out of a hole I'm in. A hole that... was of my own making I admit but still I was going to escape. I've been in it so long I don't know what light looks like anymore. Any time something good comes my way, I feel happy for a little while, but then the reality that it's going to go away smacks me right in the face. Just.. a good hard punch and I am knocked back so hard that I don't want to keep going anymore.
What I was going to get, would literally and tangibly change my life. But, it wasn't there, It just wasn't. No one can tell me why, the only person who knows is gone and even then I don't think she could have told me. She didn't seem to know it had happened.
I was so crushed, it has put me on a path, on a road to unhappiness and fighting for a reason to stick with life every single day. Every day. It's terrible. Nothing in the past few yeas has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing.
And I find that I am angry at people for their happiness and that makes me very sad. I'm angry at my parents for moving into Ann's house, angry at people for getting new clothes for not HAVING to shop at thrift stores, for not having to freak about everything. For people getting money back on their taxes, or if they do have to pay being able to do it without it killing them.
What was supposed to change hasn't and I'm in the same spot, the same hole and in the same darkness I was in a year ago, 2 years ago .. hell probably 10 years ago.
I don't want to be angry at people, it's not fair. Most of the time it's not something they did or can control. Ann left my parent's the house, they can't change that, and a lot of problems came with it so it wasn't free that's for damn sure. But still I'm mad.
I'm mad that people say things without thinking say "Oh it'll work out this way" when they don't really mean it and I call them on it and it becomes " Oh, we don't want to do that ". For some people, they wouldn't remember it had been said at all. But to me? It feels like I was lied to, and something I was hoping for is gone again.
I am full of anger, and pain and so much just frustration I don't know what to do.
I hate everything. I shouldn't. I'm not even 28 and I feel most days like I should just quit because I don't see a road out at this point. I just don't. It's walls on every side and the hole is 10,000 feet deep and I just don't think I have the energy to climb out.
I know I keep repeating this over and over again. I keep thinking I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm just not. I can't find a reason to hope, I can't see a reason to be happy. I'm shocked when I'm in a good mood and I'm just waiting for the truth to punch me again. To remind me that nothing is in my favor and I've got no business even attempting to be happy because it's not going to last not now. Not ever.
I don't know if I should share this, I'll probably throw it up for a minute and then lock it down, hide it away and shove it deep down inside me so no one can see it an no one knows it.
Ann died a little over a year ago,and I find myself today furious at her. Furious at her for thing she said and did that didn't work out, and haven't worked out. And while people keep telling me it's stupid and I should remember all the good she did for me when she was alive, I can't help but be angry.
I am not going to say that what she did for me was nothing, it was a lot. She kept me going when I had no job, no food, she paid for things she bought me things and loved me. Nothing I am saying now, in my mind, takes away from that in any way.
What she did.... was mislead me. I don't think she did it on purpose I don't even think she knew it was going to happen but it did. I've been told for years that I was getting X amount when she died. (Which of course I didn't expect to see until I was well into my 30s thanks much). She told me that, explained that, showed it to me even when I hadn't asked, she felt it was important I know.
Not too long before she got her diagnosis, we'd made a deal. If I worked at my current job for 3 months, Jon and I could move into the house for less than we were paying for rent + utilities at our apartment. Less then a month after that, she found out she has cancer and that went out the window. Of course I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the situation, the circumstances, at the cancer and the doctor who took so long and the fact that one more good thing was gone, again.
I like many others felt the world shift and change when she died. A person I relied on for so much more than financial help had left the world. She was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to cry at, to vent too. She would listen, quietly, patiently and then say she was sorry and wished she could help. So often that was all I needed.
The only thing that was going to come out of her dying was having a chance for me to get out of a hole I'm in. A hole that... was of my own making I admit but still I was going to escape. I've been in it so long I don't know what light looks like anymore. Any time something good comes my way, I feel happy for a little while, but then the reality that it's going to go away smacks me right in the face. Just.. a good hard punch and I am knocked back so hard that I don't want to keep going anymore.
What I was going to get, would literally and tangibly change my life. But, it wasn't there, It just wasn't. No one can tell me why, the only person who knows is gone and even then I don't think she could have told me. She didn't seem to know it had happened.
I was so crushed, it has put me on a path, on a road to unhappiness and fighting for a reason to stick with life every single day. Every day. It's terrible. Nothing in the past few yeas has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing.
And I find that I am angry at people for their happiness and that makes me very sad. I'm angry at my parents for moving into Ann's house, angry at people for getting new clothes for not HAVING to shop at thrift stores, for not having to freak about everything. For people getting money back on their taxes, or if they do have to pay being able to do it without it killing them.
What was supposed to change hasn't and I'm in the same spot, the same hole and in the same darkness I was in a year ago, 2 years ago .. hell probably 10 years ago.
I don't want to be angry at people, it's not fair. Most of the time it's not something they did or can control. Ann left my parent's the house, they can't change that, and a lot of problems came with it so it wasn't free that's for damn sure. But still I'm mad.
I'm mad that people say things without thinking say "Oh it'll work out this way" when they don't really mean it and I call them on it and it becomes " Oh, we don't want to do that ". For some people, they wouldn't remember it had been said at all. But to me? It feels like I was lied to, and something I was hoping for is gone again.
I am full of anger, and pain and so much just frustration I don't know what to do.
I hate everything. I shouldn't. I'm not even 28 and I feel most days like I should just quit because I don't see a road out at this point. I just don't. It's walls on every side and the hole is 10,000 feet deep and I just don't think I have the energy to climb out.
I know I keep repeating this over and over again. I keep thinking I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm just not. I can't find a reason to hope, I can't see a reason to be happy. I'm shocked when I'm in a good mood and I'm just waiting for the truth to punch me again. To remind me that nothing is in my favor and I've got no business even attempting to be happy because it's not going to last not now. Not ever.
I don't know if I should share this, I'll probably throw it up for a minute and then lock it down, hide it away and shove it deep down inside me so no one can see it an no one knows it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I'm weird.. and I know it.
I've had this issue for as long as I can remember.
If someone around me starts acting differently, or I perceive that they are I start to worry. It throws me into a rather uncontrollable panic where I'm sure I did or said something and that they don't like me anymore. (Or in regards to my job, I'm about to be fired). I wish I could point to some specific time or event and say " This is where that comes from" but I can't. I don't know why subtle changes make me freak out, I don't know why I am deathly afraid of people being mad at me. I am quite sure I've annoyed friends and family with my need to say something and get an " it's okay" before I feel better and can let it go.
This has come up a few times lately, with family and a friend of mine. I can't seem to make it go away.
I hate this about myself, it makes me a paranoid annoying person. If I say something to the person that I'm worried about, I look like a lunatic (which I am) if I don't say anything the feeling of panic continues and often gets worse until some other subtle gesture some how tells me it's all okay again. I also tend to be on high alert for such gestures and becoming a little crazier waiting for them.
I am a sensitive person, I admit it. I try to hide my emotions, which leads to me being pretty morose and miserable. I don't often feel like I can express my concern without looking like a clingy person. And I know I'm not really. I have only a few close friends, and I value them very much,, but I am not the sort of person that needs to talk to them all the time, or see them constantly to know they're my friends. Would I like to see them more? Sure, but our schedules just don't allow that.
I am sure this past year, I've been more than a little annoying. It has been one of the worst years of my life. I've been smacked in the face again and again, I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like I should hope for anything good, or to make plans because it won't work out. I'd love to go back to school but I can't afford it, I'd love to pay off my debt, can't afford that either, take a vacation? Hah. I can't even day a single day off of work without having to use PTO for fear of not having enough money to get through the next two weeks. And if it's a paycheck where I'm paying rent? Let me tell you, 200$ is just not enough for two weeks worth of gas, food and whatever else I might need.
I'm not trying to bitch, I'm just putting it out there. I'm tired, and worn out. I'm reaching a point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being panicked, and scared and sick and whiny. I can say in most ways I hate who I am, and I hate my life.
I've got no answers and I'm not expecting anyone else to have any either.
Just needed to put this out in case people wanted to know.
If someone around me starts acting differently, or I perceive that they are I start to worry. It throws me into a rather uncontrollable panic where I'm sure I did or said something and that they don't like me anymore. (Or in regards to my job, I'm about to be fired). I wish I could point to some specific time or event and say " This is where that comes from" but I can't. I don't know why subtle changes make me freak out, I don't know why I am deathly afraid of people being mad at me. I am quite sure I've annoyed friends and family with my need to say something and get an " it's okay" before I feel better and can let it go.
This has come up a few times lately, with family and a friend of mine. I can't seem to make it go away.
I hate this about myself, it makes me a paranoid annoying person. If I say something to the person that I'm worried about, I look like a lunatic (which I am) if I don't say anything the feeling of panic continues and often gets worse until some other subtle gesture some how tells me it's all okay again. I also tend to be on high alert for such gestures and becoming a little crazier waiting for them.
I am a sensitive person, I admit it. I try to hide my emotions, which leads to me being pretty morose and miserable. I don't often feel like I can express my concern without looking like a clingy person. And I know I'm not really. I have only a few close friends, and I value them very much,, but I am not the sort of person that needs to talk to them all the time, or see them constantly to know they're my friends. Would I like to see them more? Sure, but our schedules just don't allow that.
I am sure this past year, I've been more than a little annoying. It has been one of the worst years of my life. I've been smacked in the face again and again, I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like I should hope for anything good, or to make plans because it won't work out. I'd love to go back to school but I can't afford it, I'd love to pay off my debt, can't afford that either, take a vacation? Hah. I can't even day a single day off of work without having to use PTO for fear of not having enough money to get through the next two weeks. And if it's a paycheck where I'm paying rent? Let me tell you, 200$ is just not enough for two weeks worth of gas, food and whatever else I might need.
I'm not trying to bitch, I'm just putting it out there. I'm tired, and worn out. I'm reaching a point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being panicked, and scared and sick and whiny. I can say in most ways I hate who I am, and I hate my life.
I've got no answers and I'm not expecting anyone else to have any either.
Just needed to put this out in case people wanted to know.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The beginning
This is going to be the place for pictures and me talking about myself and my art.
Doodle of the day
Doodle of the day
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