Don't Know If It Will Help

But here goes:

Most people who will see this, know what is going on in my life. I just thought maybe writing some things out might help me get through the next week, and what I hope to do afterward.

My apartment, is a disaster, a hoarders level mess of gross and awful so big and intimidating that I felt trapped and terrified. I looked up companies online for help on cleaning up, the first one I spoke too wanted 6,500 dollars to help. To say the least that was above and beyond anything I could ever hope to pay for even on a payment plan. I didn't give up however.

After a few days of freaking out and feeling sick I called a few more places. I got a call back from another company, the man I spoke to on the phone was kind, understanding and unbelievably sweet. He actually made me laugh. His price was reasonable, he understood what I wanted and needed, and understood that most people who get themselves into these sorts of situations don't have unlimited funds. He is happy to work with me on paying off what I would owe after the initial 500$ payment. I nearly started to cry when I was on the phone with him. Now, the 500$ in and of itself was sort of scary, but through amazing kindness and generosity, the sort that I don't feel like I deserve, I have that money and from there can pay off the rest in reasonable monthly payments.

 A team from that company is coming a week from today, to clear this apartment out so I can move out and move on.

The trouble right now, is getting to that next point. It isn't that what there is to do is all that hard. It is the fear, the terror that I feel. Nevermind the fact that no one in this building knows what is going on or the fact that in 5 years our landlord has knocked on our door exactly one time. I feel like I'm under a microscope and that anything I do will be suspect. I try to say that I don't care, that it won't matter, but I do care and it's keeping me from being able to think clearly and be calm enough to act.

I am trying to stay focused, trying to remind myself that this is almost over and what comes after this is going to be better, and that I can avoid this sort of hell from ever entering my world ever again.

There is a list of items made up to find during the "big clean", it is very small. That is all we intend to take from this place. Not even a full carloads with, one trip up to the apartment to get it. That's all.  The rest, is just going to be thrown away.  There will be many things just lost, but you know what? It is the price I am paying and honestly it is a cost I'm willing to live with in order to get out. I need to free myself from the stuff, from the things that surround me. I want to live more simply, I don't need all these things. If I'm not using them, what is the point of keeping them?

I am hoping after this is over, to begin working on my storage unit. Taking a few boxes out at a time. Going through them, throwing things away and keeping only what I absolutely can't live without. Most of it I haven't looked at in years, or even thought about it. There is no point in keeping it if I don't even remember owning it to begin with.

I have had comments about doing things this way, that it is an "easy" way out. Easy? EASY?! No, it is not easy. Accepting that it was beyond my ability to fix alone, was terrifying. Reaching out and finding a company who could help me, was awful and embarrassing, admitting to people I know how bad my life had gotten, above and beyond awful and embarrassing.

I don't need any more "lessons" in how to avoid this in the future. I don't need any help in figuring that one out. Since I'm not a hoarder in the.... traditional sense, I won't immediately refill any space I'm in with more junk. I want to get RID of more things.

It is time to move on, to shed all the physical stuff so I can focus on showing those who helped me that it wasn't done in vain, that I can be better and cleaning the emotional baggage which will take more than one day to repair.