So, I've managed to work myself into a good solid pissed off misery.
Ann died a little over a year ago,and I find myself today furious at her. Furious at her for thing she said and did that didn't work out, and haven't worked out. And while people keep telling me it's stupid and I should remember all the good she did for me when she was alive, I can't help but be angry.
I am not going to say that what she did for me was nothing, it was a lot. She kept me going when I had no job, no food, she paid for things she bought me things and loved me. Nothing I am saying now, in my mind, takes away from that in any way.
What she did.... was mislead me. I don't think she did it on purpose I don't even think she knew it was going to happen but it did. I've been told for years that I was getting X amount when she died. (Which of course I didn't expect to see until I was well into my 30s thanks much). She told me that, explained that, showed it to me even when I hadn't asked, she felt it was important I know.
Not too long before she got her diagnosis, we'd made a deal. If I worked at my current job for 3 months, Jon and I could move into the house for less than we were paying for rent + utilities at our apartment. Less then a month after that, she found out she has cancer and that went out the window. Of course I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the situation, the circumstances, at the cancer and the doctor who took so long and the fact that one more good thing was gone, again.
I like many others felt the world shift and change when she died. A person I relied on for so much more than financial help had left the world. She was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to cry at, to vent too. She would listen, quietly, patiently and then say she was sorry and wished she could help. So often that was all I needed.
The only thing that was going to come out of her dying was having a chance for me to get out of a hole I'm in. A hole that... was of my own making I admit but still I was going to escape. I've been in it so long I don't know what light looks like anymore. Any time something good comes my way, I feel happy for a little while, but then the reality that it's going to go away smacks me right in the face. Just.. a good hard punch and I am knocked back so hard that I don't want to keep going anymore.
What I was going to get, would literally and tangibly change my life. But, it wasn't there, It just wasn't. No one can tell me why, the only person who knows is gone and even then I don't think she could have told me. She didn't seem to know it had happened.
I was so crushed, it has put me on a path, on a road to unhappiness and fighting for a reason to stick with life every single day. Every day. It's terrible. Nothing in the past few yeas has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing.
And I find that I am angry at people for their happiness and that makes me very sad. I'm angry at my parents for moving into Ann's house, angry at people for getting new clothes for not HAVING to shop at thrift stores, for not having to freak about everything. For people getting money back on their taxes, or if they do have to pay being able to do it without it killing them.
What was supposed to change hasn't and I'm in the same spot, the same hole and in the same darkness I was in a year ago, 2 years ago .. hell probably 10 years ago.
I don't want to be angry at people, it's not fair. Most of the time it's not something they did or can control. Ann left my parent's the house, they can't change that, and a lot of problems came with it so it wasn't free that's for damn sure. But still I'm mad.
I'm mad that people say things without thinking say "Oh it'll work out this way" when they don't really mean it and I call them on it and it becomes " Oh, we don't want to do that ". For some people, they wouldn't remember it had been said at all. But to me? It feels like I was lied to, and something I was hoping for is gone again.
I am full of anger, and pain and so much just frustration I don't know what to do.
I hate everything. I shouldn't. I'm not even 28 and I feel most days like I should just quit because I don't see a road out at this point. I just don't. It's walls on every side and the hole is 10,000 feet deep and I just don't think I have the energy to climb out.
I know I keep repeating this over and over again. I keep thinking I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm just not. I can't find a reason to hope, I can't see a reason to be happy. I'm shocked when I'm in a good mood and I'm just waiting for the truth to punch me again. To remind me that nothing is in my favor and I've got no business even attempting to be happy because it's not going to last not now. Not ever.
I don't know if I should share this, I'll probably throw it up for a minute and then lock it down, hide it away and shove it deep down inside me so no one can see it an no one knows it.
Anger is a natural reaction to everything that's gone on, and no one should tell you otherwise. It's okay to be angry at people you love, okay to be angry at yourself, and okay to rage at the world.
ReplyDeleteI know you, too. Not perfectly, but enough to know there are still good things to strive for and happiness to have, even when the happiness is surprising. Your friends are still here, and here for you. I hope you'll keep doing what you've been doing -- putting one foot in front of the other -- because that is what will get to a better place in life.
Not instantly, and not soon enough to stop the anger from coming back, but it will get you there. And when you get to that better place, you'll know you earned it. ((((huggs))))