Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Uncomfortable Truths
When I'm on my way to work my mind goes where it will, and this morning it settled on me.
EDIT- I know what's wrong. I know what needs fixed, I even vaguely know how to fix it. The issue is the ... strength to do it. (If strength is the right word)
I'm not sure how to start this off really, so I'll just let it go where it will and if people make it to the end you should get a medal.
I'm 28 years old and my life is beyond disaster. It's a steady ongoing misery. I don't know what it is like to be comfortable, stable, or happy anymore. Do I fake it? Sure. I think I do a pretty decent job of it too since I don't think people know how close to the edge I am all the time. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I can't hurt my mom, or Jon or the people around me like that. And you know what, sometimes that makes me mad. It makes me mad that the same stupid instinct that keeps me from getting my lipped pierced because Jon wouldn't like it, to not dying my hair a weird color again because my mom said I can't is what keeps me alive. It's not every day, but it's often enough.
I don't see a way out because the things that are needed to climb up and get out are things either I can't do or I seem unwilling to do. I am not unaware of what I could do, but I can't do them and even then a few of them are only half options anyway and if I actually asked to act on them, I'd be able to but the other people wouldn't be happy about it.
I am exhausted, I am worn out and I wish I didn't care anymore. But I do. I want to be happy. Jon says the last time I was "happy" was the day I was going to talk to Ann's insurance guy, but before I actually talked to him. It's been much longer than that. I can't remember the last time I would be what people qualify as happy.
I don't know what it's like to be comfortable, to be if not ahead on bills at least not behind. I don't know what it's like not to live in fear and under pressure, scrapping by day to day. Yes, I know lots of people go through that and lots of people probably still where when they were my age. But, I look at the people I know who are my age, and I am so far behind them it's pathetic. They're married, making enough money to pay their bills and in some cases actually buy a house and start a family. Me? I am barely making it in a cheap apartment where the gas was turned off over a year ago because I couldn't pay the bill.
The current issue is the storage unit I have. Could I go, dig out the things that were vital to me and let the unit go, let them put the item up for auction eventually.... sure I could. But that's wrong so I don't want to do that. I have to clean my apartment to make the room for the stuff from the unit. Have I done that? No. I talk about it, I plan to do something, but then I don't. And part of the reason is.... okay. So I clean it up. Where does the money come from to get a truck, to get the stuff from storage? I don't have it.
I make very little money, I get paid twice a month. The first paycheck, goes to rent leaving me with not enough to get to the next check. The next check gets the electric bill and car insurance taken out and the rest is for food and gas and life. The times I've gone to "Happy Hour" after work I've gotten cheap things, or sat drinking nothing but free refill pops because I don't have money for anything else.
I don't go anywhere, I don't see movies, don't go out to eat, don't go to conventions, gatherings or anything else. I say it's because I don't want to, but it is because I can't afford too.
For the past few months I've seriously considered putting my cats and my dog in my car the morning I get paid and just driving away. Where would I go? I don't know. Anywhere but here.
I hate my life, I hate where I am and I don't know how to get out because the options aren't reachable for me. I want to give up, but even that isn't an option for me.
I'm not in control of anything. I'm worried about how everyone else feels about it. I am unable to put myself first, I can't stand up for myself, I can't escape.
Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to be happy. Maybe I'm not smart enough, talented enough or deserving enough to have a decent life. And if that's the case.... fuck it why try right?
Every time I hear Lady GaGa's " Born This Way " I say to myself " .... wow... I hope not. Otherwise there is no point in anything"
There's a line from a t.v show that is pretty accurate " ... every time I have been happy, the Universe has conspired to do something nasty to me". Even when it looked like it would turn around, something came up and ruined it. Hard to have hope after a while.
There is no path out. My life feels like a dead end.
I know that I did this to myself. I know I did that. I've made stupid choices, idiotic painfully stupid choices in my life. Now, I'm seeing that the consequences are worse than I could have imagined and that I may have backed myself into a spot where there is no coming out again.
I am not asking for anything. Just ..... needed to get this out.
EDIT- I know what's wrong. I know what needs fixed, I even vaguely know how to fix it. The issue is the ... strength to do it. (If strength is the right word)
I'm not sure how to start this off really, so I'll just let it go where it will and if people make it to the end you should get a medal.
I'm 28 years old and my life is beyond disaster. It's a steady ongoing misery. I don't know what it is like to be comfortable, stable, or happy anymore. Do I fake it? Sure. I think I do a pretty decent job of it too since I don't think people know how close to the edge I am all the time. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I can't hurt my mom, or Jon or the people around me like that. And you know what, sometimes that makes me mad. It makes me mad that the same stupid instinct that keeps me from getting my lipped pierced because Jon wouldn't like it, to not dying my hair a weird color again because my mom said I can't is what keeps me alive. It's not every day, but it's often enough.
I don't see a way out because the things that are needed to climb up and get out are things either I can't do or I seem unwilling to do. I am not unaware of what I could do, but I can't do them and even then a few of them are only half options anyway and if I actually asked to act on them, I'd be able to but the other people wouldn't be happy about it.
I am exhausted, I am worn out and I wish I didn't care anymore. But I do. I want to be happy. Jon says the last time I was "happy" was the day I was going to talk to Ann's insurance guy, but before I actually talked to him. It's been much longer than that. I can't remember the last time I would be what people qualify as happy.
I don't know what it's like to be comfortable, to be if not ahead on bills at least not behind. I don't know what it's like not to live in fear and under pressure, scrapping by day to day. Yes, I know lots of people go through that and lots of people probably still where when they were my age. But, I look at the people I know who are my age, and I am so far behind them it's pathetic. They're married, making enough money to pay their bills and in some cases actually buy a house and start a family. Me? I am barely making it in a cheap apartment where the gas was turned off over a year ago because I couldn't pay the bill.
The current issue is the storage unit I have. Could I go, dig out the things that were vital to me and let the unit go, let them put the item up for auction eventually.... sure I could. But that's wrong so I don't want to do that. I have to clean my apartment to make the room for the stuff from the unit. Have I done that? No. I talk about it, I plan to do something, but then I don't. And part of the reason is.... okay. So I clean it up. Where does the money come from to get a truck, to get the stuff from storage? I don't have it.
I make very little money, I get paid twice a month. The first paycheck, goes to rent leaving me with not enough to get to the next check. The next check gets the electric bill and car insurance taken out and the rest is for food and gas and life. The times I've gone to "Happy Hour" after work I've gotten cheap things, or sat drinking nothing but free refill pops because I don't have money for anything else.
I don't go anywhere, I don't see movies, don't go out to eat, don't go to conventions, gatherings or anything else. I say it's because I don't want to, but it is because I can't afford too.
For the past few months I've seriously considered putting my cats and my dog in my car the morning I get paid and just driving away. Where would I go? I don't know. Anywhere but here.
I hate my life, I hate where I am and I don't know how to get out because the options aren't reachable for me. I want to give up, but even that isn't an option for me.
I'm not in control of anything. I'm worried about how everyone else feels about it. I am unable to put myself first, I can't stand up for myself, I can't escape.
Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to be happy. Maybe I'm not smart enough, talented enough or deserving enough to have a decent life. And if that's the case.... fuck it why try right?
Every time I hear Lady GaGa's " Born This Way " I say to myself " .... wow... I hope not. Otherwise there is no point in anything"
There's a line from a t.v show that is pretty accurate " ... every time I have been happy, the Universe has conspired to do something nasty to me". Even when it looked like it would turn around, something came up and ruined it. Hard to have hope after a while.
There is no path out. My life feels like a dead end.
I know that I did this to myself. I know I did that. I've made stupid choices, idiotic painfully stupid choices in my life. Now, I'm seeing that the consequences are worse than I could have imagined and that I may have backed myself into a spot where there is no coming out again.
I am not asking for anything. Just ..... needed to get this out.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Thoughts on the 2012 Tonner Doll Convention
I feel I should start this post by saying that I've never been to a doll convention before, I was raised on science fiction, and media conventions. Worldcon, Anthrocon, and other smaller events throughout the east and midwest. I also worked, for 15 years (starting at age 11) for the local Pittsburgh science fiction literary convention Confluence.
That being said, being a first time I ran into an issue even before the convention began. I wanted to sign up for one of the workshops, and the email that said they were going to be opening them for registration didn't say how to register (neither did the site that I could find), nor what time registration started. I know that many of them fill quickly so the window is already small, but I felt it was not explained clearly enough for someone who'd never gone before. I was also told that there was a way to sign up, should someone not show and I couldn't find out how to do that either. Many people have gone before and understand the process, but for those of us who where new, it was a little frustrating.
Now, onto the main event.(I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures)
My mom and I arrived, and getting our badges and souvenir bag was simple and easy and appeared to be well organized. The bag itself was really cool, a take on a vintage carry on bag with a "Tonner Air" logo, it included a doll, a little wooden plane and a pin, like flight wings also with the logo (I might be forgetting something). The hotel itself was lovely, rooms where nice and the Target across the parking lot was especially appreciated as well as the fact that up the road a short ways was a thrift store (woo).
The first night dessert event was nice, not much in the way of desserts I wanted but hey, I'm a picky kid. The basic doll that night was Judy, a pretty enough, the center piece was an airline captain and two stewardesses in cute outfits. Our table mates (luckily enough I got to sit with my mom which helped me a lot) were generally nice.
Now, my mom and I didn't sign up for any of the breakout events, neither of us were particularly interested in them, and the cost was high enough to give pause to even the one we might have gone too, and since I didn't get into any of the workshops we had nothing to do between the dessert, and the Wyld Imagination lunch on Friday and then after that not again until the big banquet on Saturday night. This, I feel, was the biggest and most unfortunate problem with the convention. The workshops were small, and there was only one of each type with very limited spaces given the number of people at the convention as a hole. I wish there would have been events for those who weren't interested or were unable to go to the breakout meals. I spent a lot of my time other places, or in the room for lack of something to do. I am sure they could find other people willing to do workshops, and maybe multiples so that the 30 person limit wasn't quite such a problem.
The sales room was nice and the vendor room was filled with a nice variety of items, including dolls, doll clothes, doll furniture and accessories. The vendors were nice, considerate and willing to talk about their items and happy to try to help you find whatever you might be looking for.
Another thing I would have liked, would have been a small area like a hospitality suite that are often part of sci/fi cons I've gone too where people can go have a nibble on something or a drink and talk to other attendees. There wasn't much of a chance for mingling outside the events which was a shame. I didn't talk to very many people and occasionally was ignored when I tried.
I am still not 100% sure of my feelings on the event as a whole, some parts were great, I found that my "doll" seems to be Ellowyne. I arrived with one, and left with three. One I got in the sales room, a Raw Edges who is now named Constance and one of the stunning Flights of Fancy Ello's who is named Melinda. I can see room for improvement, even after all the years they've been putting this on. after going to, and be a part of other kinds of conventions for so long I know it is possible to get some good volunteers to do some amazing things to make it a fuller event.
I wouldn't mind going to the Wyld weekend that will be in October but that sort of depends on my mom, I wouldn't want to go alone, and next year will depend on what breakout events there are. I would really like to see some changes to notifications, better direction on how to sign up for workshops, and more of them.
I love my dolls, and spending time with my mom was about the best thing. <3 but for now I'm iffy on the event as a whole.
That being said, being a first time I ran into an issue even before the convention began. I wanted to sign up for one of the workshops, and the email that said they were going to be opening them for registration didn't say how to register (neither did the site that I could find), nor what time registration started. I know that many of them fill quickly so the window is already small, but I felt it was not explained clearly enough for someone who'd never gone before. I was also told that there was a way to sign up, should someone not show and I couldn't find out how to do that either. Many people have gone before and understand the process, but for those of us who where new, it was a little frustrating.
Now, onto the main event.(I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures)
My mom and I arrived, and getting our badges and souvenir bag was simple and easy and appeared to be well organized. The bag itself was really cool, a take on a vintage carry on bag with a "Tonner Air" logo, it included a doll, a little wooden plane and a pin, like flight wings also with the logo (I might be forgetting something). The hotel itself was lovely, rooms where nice and the Target across the parking lot was especially appreciated as well as the fact that up the road a short ways was a thrift store (woo).
The first night dessert event was nice, not much in the way of desserts I wanted but hey, I'm a picky kid. The basic doll that night was Judy, a pretty enough, the center piece was an airline captain and two stewardesses in cute outfits. Our table mates (luckily enough I got to sit with my mom which helped me a lot) were generally nice.
Now, my mom and I didn't sign up for any of the breakout events, neither of us were particularly interested in them, and the cost was high enough to give pause to even the one we might have gone too, and since I didn't get into any of the workshops we had nothing to do between the dessert, and the Wyld Imagination lunch on Friday and then after that not again until the big banquet on Saturday night. This, I feel, was the biggest and most unfortunate problem with the convention. The workshops were small, and there was only one of each type with very limited spaces given the number of people at the convention as a hole. I wish there would have been events for those who weren't interested or were unable to go to the breakout meals. I spent a lot of my time other places, or in the room for lack of something to do. I am sure they could find other people willing to do workshops, and maybe multiples so that the 30 person limit wasn't quite such a problem.
The sales room was nice and the vendor room was filled with a nice variety of items, including dolls, doll clothes, doll furniture and accessories. The vendors were nice, considerate and willing to talk about their items and happy to try to help you find whatever you might be looking for.
Another thing I would have liked, would have been a small area like a hospitality suite that are often part of sci/fi cons I've gone too where people can go have a nibble on something or a drink and talk to other attendees. There wasn't much of a chance for mingling outside the events which was a shame. I didn't talk to very many people and occasionally was ignored when I tried.
I am still not 100% sure of my feelings on the event as a whole, some parts were great, I found that my "doll" seems to be Ellowyne. I arrived with one, and left with three. One I got in the sales room, a Raw Edges who is now named Constance and one of the stunning Flights of Fancy Ello's who is named Melinda. I can see room for improvement, even after all the years they've been putting this on. after going to, and be a part of other kinds of conventions for so long I know it is possible to get some good volunteers to do some amazing things to make it a fuller event.
I wouldn't mind going to the Wyld weekend that will be in October but that sort of depends on my mom, I wouldn't want to go alone, and next year will depend on what breakout events there are. I would really like to see some changes to notifications, better direction on how to sign up for workshops, and more of them.
I love my dolls, and spending time with my mom was about the best thing. <3 but for now I'm iffy on the event as a whole.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Lily's Crisis
Oh - hi Frankie. My purple hair didn't come today. I'm kinda sad.
You think so?
Yes I do.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Meet Lily!
Hi. I'm Lily!
Playing with some jewelry!
Looking at pictures of..... lilies!
Playing with some jewelry!
Looking at pictures of..... lilies!
And drawing a picture!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Welcome Zain Shakil
So my mom got one of my presents in the mail and she had me come and pick him up since if I didn't, she'd keep him. Once I saw him, I could understand the urgency. I am SO excited. He's just gorgeous, and and and his eyes move! They can go left/right and the eyelids can close, not to mention.... they're GOLD. He's a little bit of magic. *LOVE*
Meet Prince Zain Shakil a Pullip box name Taeyang Wati.
Meet Prince Zain Shakil a Pullip box name Taeyang Wati.
Look at that awesome hair! It is so much neater in person!
The outfit is amazing, the layers are beautiful! So much detail.
I am so in love with this doll! He's beautiful and just going to be so much fun to dress up. I am actually really interested in getting his girlfriend.
It's just amazing. It really is, and a fabulous surprise today! (Thanks mom!)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Visiting Teh MamaLama
So I took Moira Rose and Ariel over to my moms today for a visit and some fancy clothes for Valentines day! My mom introduced me to a new girl (now named Nadia) a"vinyl Evangeline Ghastly from Wilde Imagination, and sculpted by Robert Tonner"(as told to me by the same mamalama), who joined my little bitty family and we're happy to have her!
Welcome Nadia (the gorgeous tall one in the back!) So this is a family photo, and unfortunately you can see up Moria's skirt (oopsie!)
When I tried to get another picture we got a surprise
A sneaky Martie in the background! She noticed pictures were being taken and just had to get in one of them! So then we asked cousin Martie to stick around and say hello. She said she was glad Nadia had a nice family and someone to play with her!
When I tried to get another picture we got a surprise
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The truth... sucks
So, I've managed to work myself into a good solid pissed off misery.
Ann died a little over a year ago,and I find myself today furious at her. Furious at her for thing she said and did that didn't work out, and haven't worked out. And while people keep telling me it's stupid and I should remember all the good she did for me when she was alive, I can't help but be angry.
I am not going to say that what she did for me was nothing, it was a lot. She kept me going when I had no job, no food, she paid for things she bought me things and loved me. Nothing I am saying now, in my mind, takes away from that in any way.
What she did.... was mislead me. I don't think she did it on purpose I don't even think she knew it was going to happen but it did. I've been told for years that I was getting X amount when she died. (Which of course I didn't expect to see until I was well into my 30s thanks much). She told me that, explained that, showed it to me even when I hadn't asked, she felt it was important I know.
Not too long before she got her diagnosis, we'd made a deal. If I worked at my current job for 3 months, Jon and I could move into the house for less than we were paying for rent + utilities at our apartment. Less then a month after that, she found out she has cancer and that went out the window. Of course I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the situation, the circumstances, at the cancer and the doctor who took so long and the fact that one more good thing was gone, again.
I like many others felt the world shift and change when she died. A person I relied on for so much more than financial help had left the world. She was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to cry at, to vent too. She would listen, quietly, patiently and then say she was sorry and wished she could help. So often that was all I needed.
The only thing that was going to come out of her dying was having a chance for me to get out of a hole I'm in. A hole that... was of my own making I admit but still I was going to escape. I've been in it so long I don't know what light looks like anymore. Any time something good comes my way, I feel happy for a little while, but then the reality that it's going to go away smacks me right in the face. Just.. a good hard punch and I am knocked back so hard that I don't want to keep going anymore.
What I was going to get, would literally and tangibly change my life. But, it wasn't there, It just wasn't. No one can tell me why, the only person who knows is gone and even then I don't think she could have told me. She didn't seem to know it had happened.
I was so crushed, it has put me on a path, on a road to unhappiness and fighting for a reason to stick with life every single day. Every day. It's terrible. Nothing in the past few yeas has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing.
And I find that I am angry at people for their happiness and that makes me very sad. I'm angry at my parents for moving into Ann's house, angry at people for getting new clothes for not HAVING to shop at thrift stores, for not having to freak about everything. For people getting money back on their taxes, or if they do have to pay being able to do it without it killing them.
What was supposed to change hasn't and I'm in the same spot, the same hole and in the same darkness I was in a year ago, 2 years ago .. hell probably 10 years ago.
I don't want to be angry at people, it's not fair. Most of the time it's not something they did or can control. Ann left my parent's the house, they can't change that, and a lot of problems came with it so it wasn't free that's for damn sure. But still I'm mad.
I'm mad that people say things without thinking say "Oh it'll work out this way" when they don't really mean it and I call them on it and it becomes " Oh, we don't want to do that ". For some people, they wouldn't remember it had been said at all. But to me? It feels like I was lied to, and something I was hoping for is gone again.
I am full of anger, and pain and so much just frustration I don't know what to do.
I hate everything. I shouldn't. I'm not even 28 and I feel most days like I should just quit because I don't see a road out at this point. I just don't. It's walls on every side and the hole is 10,000 feet deep and I just don't think I have the energy to climb out.
I know I keep repeating this over and over again. I keep thinking I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm just not. I can't find a reason to hope, I can't see a reason to be happy. I'm shocked when I'm in a good mood and I'm just waiting for the truth to punch me again. To remind me that nothing is in my favor and I've got no business even attempting to be happy because it's not going to last not now. Not ever.
I don't know if I should share this, I'll probably throw it up for a minute and then lock it down, hide it away and shove it deep down inside me so no one can see it an no one knows it.
Ann died a little over a year ago,and I find myself today furious at her. Furious at her for thing she said and did that didn't work out, and haven't worked out. And while people keep telling me it's stupid and I should remember all the good she did for me when she was alive, I can't help but be angry.
I am not going to say that what she did for me was nothing, it was a lot. She kept me going when I had no job, no food, she paid for things she bought me things and loved me. Nothing I am saying now, in my mind, takes away from that in any way.
What she did.... was mislead me. I don't think she did it on purpose I don't even think she knew it was going to happen but it did. I've been told for years that I was getting X amount when she died. (Which of course I didn't expect to see until I was well into my 30s thanks much). She told me that, explained that, showed it to me even when I hadn't asked, she felt it was important I know.
Not too long before she got her diagnosis, we'd made a deal. If I worked at my current job for 3 months, Jon and I could move into the house for less than we were paying for rent + utilities at our apartment. Less then a month after that, she found out she has cancer and that went out the window. Of course I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the situation, the circumstances, at the cancer and the doctor who took so long and the fact that one more good thing was gone, again.
I like many others felt the world shift and change when she died. A person I relied on for so much more than financial help had left the world. She was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to cry at, to vent too. She would listen, quietly, patiently and then say she was sorry and wished she could help. So often that was all I needed.
The only thing that was going to come out of her dying was having a chance for me to get out of a hole I'm in. A hole that... was of my own making I admit but still I was going to escape. I've been in it so long I don't know what light looks like anymore. Any time something good comes my way, I feel happy for a little while, but then the reality that it's going to go away smacks me right in the face. Just.. a good hard punch and I am knocked back so hard that I don't want to keep going anymore.
What I was going to get, would literally and tangibly change my life. But, it wasn't there, It just wasn't. No one can tell me why, the only person who knows is gone and even then I don't think she could have told me. She didn't seem to know it had happened.
I was so crushed, it has put me on a path, on a road to unhappiness and fighting for a reason to stick with life every single day. Every day. It's terrible. Nothing in the past few yeas has gone the way it was supposed to. Nothing.
And I find that I am angry at people for their happiness and that makes me very sad. I'm angry at my parents for moving into Ann's house, angry at people for getting new clothes for not HAVING to shop at thrift stores, for not having to freak about everything. For people getting money back on their taxes, or if they do have to pay being able to do it without it killing them.
What was supposed to change hasn't and I'm in the same spot, the same hole and in the same darkness I was in a year ago, 2 years ago .. hell probably 10 years ago.
I don't want to be angry at people, it's not fair. Most of the time it's not something they did or can control. Ann left my parent's the house, they can't change that, and a lot of problems came with it so it wasn't free that's for damn sure. But still I'm mad.
I'm mad that people say things without thinking say "Oh it'll work out this way" when they don't really mean it and I call them on it and it becomes " Oh, we don't want to do that ". For some people, they wouldn't remember it had been said at all. But to me? It feels like I was lied to, and something I was hoping for is gone again.
I am full of anger, and pain and so much just frustration I don't know what to do.
I hate everything. I shouldn't. I'm not even 28 and I feel most days like I should just quit because I don't see a road out at this point. I just don't. It's walls on every side and the hole is 10,000 feet deep and I just don't think I have the energy to climb out.
I know I keep repeating this over and over again. I keep thinking I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm just not. I can't find a reason to hope, I can't see a reason to be happy. I'm shocked when I'm in a good mood and I'm just waiting for the truth to punch me again. To remind me that nothing is in my favor and I've got no business even attempting to be happy because it's not going to last not now. Not ever.
I don't know if I should share this, I'll probably throw it up for a minute and then lock it down, hide it away and shove it deep down inside me so no one can see it an no one knows it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I'm weird.. and I know it.
I've had this issue for as long as I can remember.
If someone around me starts acting differently, or I perceive that they are I start to worry. It throws me into a rather uncontrollable panic where I'm sure I did or said something and that they don't like me anymore. (Or in regards to my job, I'm about to be fired). I wish I could point to some specific time or event and say " This is where that comes from" but I can't. I don't know why subtle changes make me freak out, I don't know why I am deathly afraid of people being mad at me. I am quite sure I've annoyed friends and family with my need to say something and get an " it's okay" before I feel better and can let it go.
This has come up a few times lately, with family and a friend of mine. I can't seem to make it go away.
I hate this about myself, it makes me a paranoid annoying person. If I say something to the person that I'm worried about, I look like a lunatic (which I am) if I don't say anything the feeling of panic continues and often gets worse until some other subtle gesture some how tells me it's all okay again. I also tend to be on high alert for such gestures and becoming a little crazier waiting for them.
I am a sensitive person, I admit it. I try to hide my emotions, which leads to me being pretty morose and miserable. I don't often feel like I can express my concern without looking like a clingy person. And I know I'm not really. I have only a few close friends, and I value them very much,, but I am not the sort of person that needs to talk to them all the time, or see them constantly to know they're my friends. Would I like to see them more? Sure, but our schedules just don't allow that.
I am sure this past year, I've been more than a little annoying. It has been one of the worst years of my life. I've been smacked in the face again and again, I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like I should hope for anything good, or to make plans because it won't work out. I'd love to go back to school but I can't afford it, I'd love to pay off my debt, can't afford that either, take a vacation? Hah. I can't even day a single day off of work without having to use PTO for fear of not having enough money to get through the next two weeks. And if it's a paycheck where I'm paying rent? Let me tell you, 200$ is just not enough for two weeks worth of gas, food and whatever else I might need.
I'm not trying to bitch, I'm just putting it out there. I'm tired, and worn out. I'm reaching a point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being panicked, and scared and sick and whiny. I can say in most ways I hate who I am, and I hate my life.
I've got no answers and I'm not expecting anyone else to have any either.
Just needed to put this out in case people wanted to know.
If someone around me starts acting differently, or I perceive that they are I start to worry. It throws me into a rather uncontrollable panic where I'm sure I did or said something and that they don't like me anymore. (Or in regards to my job, I'm about to be fired). I wish I could point to some specific time or event and say " This is where that comes from" but I can't. I don't know why subtle changes make me freak out, I don't know why I am deathly afraid of people being mad at me. I am quite sure I've annoyed friends and family with my need to say something and get an " it's okay" before I feel better and can let it go.
This has come up a few times lately, with family and a friend of mine. I can't seem to make it go away.
I hate this about myself, it makes me a paranoid annoying person. If I say something to the person that I'm worried about, I look like a lunatic (which I am) if I don't say anything the feeling of panic continues and often gets worse until some other subtle gesture some how tells me it's all okay again. I also tend to be on high alert for such gestures and becoming a little crazier waiting for them.
I am a sensitive person, I admit it. I try to hide my emotions, which leads to me being pretty morose and miserable. I don't often feel like I can express my concern without looking like a clingy person. And I know I'm not really. I have only a few close friends, and I value them very much,, but I am not the sort of person that needs to talk to them all the time, or see them constantly to know they're my friends. Would I like to see them more? Sure, but our schedules just don't allow that.
I am sure this past year, I've been more than a little annoying. It has been one of the worst years of my life. I've been smacked in the face again and again, I've gotten to the point where I don't even feel like I should hope for anything good, or to make plans because it won't work out. I'd love to go back to school but I can't afford it, I'd love to pay off my debt, can't afford that either, take a vacation? Hah. I can't even day a single day off of work without having to use PTO for fear of not having enough money to get through the next two weeks. And if it's a paycheck where I'm paying rent? Let me tell you, 200$ is just not enough for two weeks worth of gas, food and whatever else I might need.
I'm not trying to bitch, I'm just putting it out there. I'm tired, and worn out. I'm reaching a point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being panicked, and scared and sick and whiny. I can say in most ways I hate who I am, and I hate my life.
I've got no answers and I'm not expecting anyone else to have any either.
Just needed to put this out in case people wanted to know.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The beginning
This is going to be the place for pictures and me talking about myself and my art.
Doodle of the day
Doodle of the day
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