But here goes:
Most people who will see this, know what is going on in my life. I just thought maybe writing some things out might help me get through the next week, and what I hope to do afterward.
My apartment, is a disaster, a hoarders level mess of gross and awful so big and intimidating that I felt trapped and terrified. I looked up companies online for help on cleaning up, the first one I spoke too wanted 6,500 dollars to help. To say the least that was above and beyond anything I could ever hope to pay for even on a payment plan. I didn't give up however.
After a few days of freaking out and feeling sick I called a few more places. I got a call back from another company, the man I spoke to on the phone was kind, understanding and unbelievably sweet. He actually made me laugh. His price was reasonable, he understood what I wanted and needed, and understood that most people who get themselves into these sorts of situations don't have unlimited funds. He is happy to work with me on paying off what I would owe after the initial 500$ payment. I nearly started to cry when I was on the phone with him. Now, the 500$ in and of itself was sort of scary, but through amazing kindness and generosity, the sort that I don't feel like I deserve, I have that money and from there can pay off the rest in reasonable monthly payments.
A team from that company is coming a week from today, to clear this apartment out so I can move out and move on.
The trouble right now, is getting to that next point. It isn't that what there is to do is all that hard. It is the fear, the terror that I feel. Nevermind the fact that no one in this building knows what is going on or the fact that in 5 years our landlord has knocked on our door exactly one time. I feel like I'm under a microscope and that anything I do will be suspect. I try to say that I don't care, that it won't matter, but I do care and it's keeping me from being able to think clearly and be calm enough to act.
I am trying to stay focused, trying to remind myself that this is almost over and what comes after this is going to be better, and that I can avoid this sort of hell from ever entering my world ever again.
There is a list of items made up to find during the "big clean", it is very small. That is all we intend to take from this place. Not even a full carloads with, one trip up to the apartment to get it. That's all. The rest, is just going to be thrown away. There will be many things just lost, but you know what? It is the price I am paying and honestly it is a cost I'm willing to live with in order to get out. I need to free myself from the stuff, from the things that surround me. I want to live more simply, I don't need all these things. If I'm not using them, what is the point of keeping them?
I am hoping after this is over, to begin working on my storage unit. Taking a few boxes out at a time. Going through them, throwing things away and keeping only what I absolutely can't live without. Most of it I haven't looked at in years, or even thought about it. There is no point in keeping it if I don't even remember owning it to begin with.
I have had comments about doing things this way, that it is an "easy" way out. Easy? EASY?! No, it is not easy. Accepting that it was beyond my ability to fix alone, was terrifying. Reaching out and finding a company who could help me, was awful and embarrassing, admitting to people I know how bad my life had gotten, above and beyond awful and embarrassing.
I don't need any more "lessons" in how to avoid this in the future. I don't need any help in figuring that one out. Since I'm not a hoarder in the.... traditional sense, I won't immediately refill any space I'm in with more junk. I want to get RID of more things.
It is time to move on, to shed all the physical stuff so I can focus on showing those who helped me that it wasn't done in vain, that I can be better and cleaning the emotional baggage which will take more than one day to repair.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Uncomfortable Truths
When I'm on my way to work my mind goes where it will, and this morning it settled on me.
EDIT- I know what's wrong. I know what needs fixed, I even vaguely know how to fix it. The issue is the ... strength to do it. (If strength is the right word)
I'm not sure how to start this off really, so I'll just let it go where it will and if people make it to the end you should get a medal.
I'm 28 years old and my life is beyond disaster. It's a steady ongoing misery. I don't know what it is like to be comfortable, stable, or happy anymore. Do I fake it? Sure. I think I do a pretty decent job of it too since I don't think people know how close to the edge I am all the time. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I can't hurt my mom, or Jon or the people around me like that. And you know what, sometimes that makes me mad. It makes me mad that the same stupid instinct that keeps me from getting my lipped pierced because Jon wouldn't like it, to not dying my hair a weird color again because my mom said I can't is what keeps me alive. It's not every day, but it's often enough.
I don't see a way out because the things that are needed to climb up and get out are things either I can't do or I seem unwilling to do. I am not unaware of what I could do, but I can't do them and even then a few of them are only half options anyway and if I actually asked to act on them, I'd be able to but the other people wouldn't be happy about it.
I am exhausted, I am worn out and I wish I didn't care anymore. But I do. I want to be happy. Jon says the last time I was "happy" was the day I was going to talk to Ann's insurance guy, but before I actually talked to him. It's been much longer than that. I can't remember the last time I would be what people qualify as happy.
I don't know what it's like to be comfortable, to be if not ahead on bills at least not behind. I don't know what it's like not to live in fear and under pressure, scrapping by day to day. Yes, I know lots of people go through that and lots of people probably still where when they were my age. But, I look at the people I know who are my age, and I am so far behind them it's pathetic. They're married, making enough money to pay their bills and in some cases actually buy a house and start a family. Me? I am barely making it in a cheap apartment where the gas was turned off over a year ago because I couldn't pay the bill.
The current issue is the storage unit I have. Could I go, dig out the things that were vital to me and let the unit go, let them put the item up for auction eventually.... sure I could. But that's wrong so I don't want to do that. I have to clean my apartment to make the room for the stuff from the unit. Have I done that? No. I talk about it, I plan to do something, but then I don't. And part of the reason is.... okay. So I clean it up. Where does the money come from to get a truck, to get the stuff from storage? I don't have it.
I make very little money, I get paid twice a month. The first paycheck, goes to rent leaving me with not enough to get to the next check. The next check gets the electric bill and car insurance taken out and the rest is for food and gas and life. The times I've gone to "Happy Hour" after work I've gotten cheap things, or sat drinking nothing but free refill pops because I don't have money for anything else.
I don't go anywhere, I don't see movies, don't go out to eat, don't go to conventions, gatherings or anything else. I say it's because I don't want to, but it is because I can't afford too.
For the past few months I've seriously considered putting my cats and my dog in my car the morning I get paid and just driving away. Where would I go? I don't know. Anywhere but here.
I hate my life, I hate where I am and I don't know how to get out because the options aren't reachable for me. I want to give up, but even that isn't an option for me.
I'm not in control of anything. I'm worried about how everyone else feels about it. I am unable to put myself first, I can't stand up for myself, I can't escape.
Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to be happy. Maybe I'm not smart enough, talented enough or deserving enough to have a decent life. And if that's the case.... fuck it why try right?
Every time I hear Lady GaGa's " Born This Way " I say to myself " .... wow... I hope not. Otherwise there is no point in anything"
There's a line from a t.v show that is pretty accurate " ... every time I have been happy, the Universe has conspired to do something nasty to me". Even when it looked like it would turn around, something came up and ruined it. Hard to have hope after a while.
There is no path out. My life feels like a dead end.
I know that I did this to myself. I know I did that. I've made stupid choices, idiotic painfully stupid choices in my life. Now, I'm seeing that the consequences are worse than I could have imagined and that I may have backed myself into a spot where there is no coming out again.
I am not asking for anything. Just ..... needed to get this out.
EDIT- I know what's wrong. I know what needs fixed, I even vaguely know how to fix it. The issue is the ... strength to do it. (If strength is the right word)
I'm not sure how to start this off really, so I'll just let it go where it will and if people make it to the end you should get a medal.
I'm 28 years old and my life is beyond disaster. It's a steady ongoing misery. I don't know what it is like to be comfortable, stable, or happy anymore. Do I fake it? Sure. I think I do a pretty decent job of it too since I don't think people know how close to the edge I am all the time. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I can't hurt my mom, or Jon or the people around me like that. And you know what, sometimes that makes me mad. It makes me mad that the same stupid instinct that keeps me from getting my lipped pierced because Jon wouldn't like it, to not dying my hair a weird color again because my mom said I can't is what keeps me alive. It's not every day, but it's often enough.
I don't see a way out because the things that are needed to climb up and get out are things either I can't do or I seem unwilling to do. I am not unaware of what I could do, but I can't do them and even then a few of them are only half options anyway and if I actually asked to act on them, I'd be able to but the other people wouldn't be happy about it.
I am exhausted, I am worn out and I wish I didn't care anymore. But I do. I want to be happy. Jon says the last time I was "happy" was the day I was going to talk to Ann's insurance guy, but before I actually talked to him. It's been much longer than that. I can't remember the last time I would be what people qualify as happy.
I don't know what it's like to be comfortable, to be if not ahead on bills at least not behind. I don't know what it's like not to live in fear and under pressure, scrapping by day to day. Yes, I know lots of people go through that and lots of people probably still where when they were my age. But, I look at the people I know who are my age, and I am so far behind them it's pathetic. They're married, making enough money to pay their bills and in some cases actually buy a house and start a family. Me? I am barely making it in a cheap apartment where the gas was turned off over a year ago because I couldn't pay the bill.
The current issue is the storage unit I have. Could I go, dig out the things that were vital to me and let the unit go, let them put the item up for auction eventually.... sure I could. But that's wrong so I don't want to do that. I have to clean my apartment to make the room for the stuff from the unit. Have I done that? No. I talk about it, I plan to do something, but then I don't. And part of the reason is.... okay. So I clean it up. Where does the money come from to get a truck, to get the stuff from storage? I don't have it.
I make very little money, I get paid twice a month. The first paycheck, goes to rent leaving me with not enough to get to the next check. The next check gets the electric bill and car insurance taken out and the rest is for food and gas and life. The times I've gone to "Happy Hour" after work I've gotten cheap things, or sat drinking nothing but free refill pops because I don't have money for anything else.
I don't go anywhere, I don't see movies, don't go out to eat, don't go to conventions, gatherings or anything else. I say it's because I don't want to, but it is because I can't afford too.
For the past few months I've seriously considered putting my cats and my dog in my car the morning I get paid and just driving away. Where would I go? I don't know. Anywhere but here.
I hate my life, I hate where I am and I don't know how to get out because the options aren't reachable for me. I want to give up, but even that isn't an option for me.
I'm not in control of anything. I'm worried about how everyone else feels about it. I am unable to put myself first, I can't stand up for myself, I can't escape.
Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to be happy. Maybe I'm not smart enough, talented enough or deserving enough to have a decent life. And if that's the case.... fuck it why try right?
Every time I hear Lady GaGa's " Born This Way " I say to myself " .... wow... I hope not. Otherwise there is no point in anything"
There's a line from a t.v show that is pretty accurate " ... every time I have been happy, the Universe has conspired to do something nasty to me". Even when it looked like it would turn around, something came up and ruined it. Hard to have hope after a while.
There is no path out. My life feels like a dead end.
I know that I did this to myself. I know I did that. I've made stupid choices, idiotic painfully stupid choices in my life. Now, I'm seeing that the consequences are worse than I could have imagined and that I may have backed myself into a spot where there is no coming out again.
I am not asking for anything. Just ..... needed to get this out.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Thoughts on the 2012 Tonner Doll Convention
I feel I should start this post by saying that I've never been to a doll convention before, I was raised on science fiction, and media conventions. Worldcon, Anthrocon, and other smaller events throughout the east and midwest. I also worked, for 15 years (starting at age 11) for the local Pittsburgh science fiction literary convention Confluence.
That being said, being a first time I ran into an issue even before the convention began. I wanted to sign up for one of the workshops, and the email that said they were going to be opening them for registration didn't say how to register (neither did the site that I could find), nor what time registration started. I know that many of them fill quickly so the window is already small, but I felt it was not explained clearly enough for someone who'd never gone before. I was also told that there was a way to sign up, should someone not show and I couldn't find out how to do that either. Many people have gone before and understand the process, but for those of us who where new, it was a little frustrating.
Now, onto the main event.(I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures)
My mom and I arrived, and getting our badges and souvenir bag was simple and easy and appeared to be well organized. The bag itself was really cool, a take on a vintage carry on bag with a "Tonner Air" logo, it included a doll, a little wooden plane and a pin, like flight wings also with the logo (I might be forgetting something). The hotel itself was lovely, rooms where nice and the Target across the parking lot was especially appreciated as well as the fact that up the road a short ways was a thrift store (woo).
The first night dessert event was nice, not much in the way of desserts I wanted but hey, I'm a picky kid. The basic doll that night was Judy, a pretty enough, the center piece was an airline captain and two stewardesses in cute outfits. Our table mates (luckily enough I got to sit with my mom which helped me a lot) were generally nice.
Now, my mom and I didn't sign up for any of the breakout events, neither of us were particularly interested in them, and the cost was high enough to give pause to even the one we might have gone too, and since I didn't get into any of the workshops we had nothing to do between the dessert, and the Wyld Imagination lunch on Friday and then after that not again until the big banquet on Saturday night. This, I feel, was the biggest and most unfortunate problem with the convention. The workshops were small, and there was only one of each type with very limited spaces given the number of people at the convention as a hole. I wish there would have been events for those who weren't interested or were unable to go to the breakout meals. I spent a lot of my time other places, or in the room for lack of something to do. I am sure they could find other people willing to do workshops, and maybe multiples so that the 30 person limit wasn't quite such a problem.
The sales room was nice and the vendor room was filled with a nice variety of items, including dolls, doll clothes, doll furniture and accessories. The vendors were nice, considerate and willing to talk about their items and happy to try to help you find whatever you might be looking for.
Another thing I would have liked, would have been a small area like a hospitality suite that are often part of sci/fi cons I've gone too where people can go have a nibble on something or a drink and talk to other attendees. There wasn't much of a chance for mingling outside the events which was a shame. I didn't talk to very many people and occasionally was ignored when I tried.
I am still not 100% sure of my feelings on the event as a whole, some parts were great, I found that my "doll" seems to be Ellowyne. I arrived with one, and left with three. One I got in the sales room, a Raw Edges who is now named Constance and one of the stunning Flights of Fancy Ello's who is named Melinda. I can see room for improvement, even after all the years they've been putting this on. after going to, and be a part of other kinds of conventions for so long I know it is possible to get some good volunteers to do some amazing things to make it a fuller event.
I wouldn't mind going to the Wyld weekend that will be in October but that sort of depends on my mom, I wouldn't want to go alone, and next year will depend on what breakout events there are. I would really like to see some changes to notifications, better direction on how to sign up for workshops, and more of them.
I love my dolls, and spending time with my mom was about the best thing. <3 but for now I'm iffy on the event as a whole.
That being said, being a first time I ran into an issue even before the convention began. I wanted to sign up for one of the workshops, and the email that said they were going to be opening them for registration didn't say how to register (neither did the site that I could find), nor what time registration started. I know that many of them fill quickly so the window is already small, but I felt it was not explained clearly enough for someone who'd never gone before. I was also told that there was a way to sign up, should someone not show and I couldn't find out how to do that either. Many people have gone before and understand the process, but for those of us who where new, it was a little frustrating.
Now, onto the main event.(I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures)
My mom and I arrived, and getting our badges and souvenir bag was simple and easy and appeared to be well organized. The bag itself was really cool, a take on a vintage carry on bag with a "Tonner Air" logo, it included a doll, a little wooden plane and a pin, like flight wings also with the logo (I might be forgetting something). The hotel itself was lovely, rooms where nice and the Target across the parking lot was especially appreciated as well as the fact that up the road a short ways was a thrift store (woo).
The first night dessert event was nice, not much in the way of desserts I wanted but hey, I'm a picky kid. The basic doll that night was Judy, a pretty enough, the center piece was an airline captain and two stewardesses in cute outfits. Our table mates (luckily enough I got to sit with my mom which helped me a lot) were generally nice.
Now, my mom and I didn't sign up for any of the breakout events, neither of us were particularly interested in them, and the cost was high enough to give pause to even the one we might have gone too, and since I didn't get into any of the workshops we had nothing to do between the dessert, and the Wyld Imagination lunch on Friday and then after that not again until the big banquet on Saturday night. This, I feel, was the biggest and most unfortunate problem with the convention. The workshops were small, and there was only one of each type with very limited spaces given the number of people at the convention as a hole. I wish there would have been events for those who weren't interested or were unable to go to the breakout meals. I spent a lot of my time other places, or in the room for lack of something to do. I am sure they could find other people willing to do workshops, and maybe multiples so that the 30 person limit wasn't quite such a problem.
The sales room was nice and the vendor room was filled with a nice variety of items, including dolls, doll clothes, doll furniture and accessories. The vendors were nice, considerate and willing to talk about their items and happy to try to help you find whatever you might be looking for.
Another thing I would have liked, would have been a small area like a hospitality suite that are often part of sci/fi cons I've gone too where people can go have a nibble on something or a drink and talk to other attendees. There wasn't much of a chance for mingling outside the events which was a shame. I didn't talk to very many people and occasionally was ignored when I tried.
I am still not 100% sure of my feelings on the event as a whole, some parts were great, I found that my "doll" seems to be Ellowyne. I arrived with one, and left with three. One I got in the sales room, a Raw Edges who is now named Constance and one of the stunning Flights of Fancy Ello's who is named Melinda. I can see room for improvement, even after all the years they've been putting this on. after going to, and be a part of other kinds of conventions for so long I know it is possible to get some good volunteers to do some amazing things to make it a fuller event.
I wouldn't mind going to the Wyld weekend that will be in October but that sort of depends on my mom, I wouldn't want to go alone, and next year will depend on what breakout events there are. I would really like to see some changes to notifications, better direction on how to sign up for workshops, and more of them.
I love my dolls, and spending time with my mom was about the best thing. <3 but for now I'm iffy on the event as a whole.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Lily's Crisis
Oh - hi Frankie. My purple hair didn't come today. I'm kinda sad.
You think so?
Yes I do.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Meet Lily!
Hi. I'm Lily!
Playing with some jewelry!
Looking at pictures of..... lilies!
Playing with some jewelry!
Looking at pictures of..... lilies!
And drawing a picture!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Welcome Zain Shakil
So my mom got one of my presents in the mail and she had me come and pick him up since if I didn't, she'd keep him. Once I saw him, I could understand the urgency. I am SO excited. He's just gorgeous, and and and his eyes move! They can go left/right and the eyelids can close, not to mention.... they're GOLD. He's a little bit of magic. *LOVE*
Meet Prince Zain Shakil a Pullip box name Taeyang Wati.
Meet Prince Zain Shakil a Pullip box name Taeyang Wati.
Look at that awesome hair! It is so much neater in person!
The outfit is amazing, the layers are beautiful! So much detail.
I am so in love with this doll! He's beautiful and just going to be so much fun to dress up. I am actually really interested in getting his girlfriend.
It's just amazing. It really is, and a fabulous surprise today! (Thanks mom!)
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