Uncomfortable Truths

When I'm on my way to work my mind goes where it will, and this morning it settled on me.

EDIT- I know what's wrong. I know what needs fixed, I even vaguely know how to fix it. The issue is the ... strength to do it. (If strength is the right word)


I'm not sure how to start this off really, so I'll just let it go where it will and if people make it to the end you should get a medal.

I'm 28 years old and my life is beyond disaster. It's a steady ongoing misery. I don't know what it is like to be comfortable, stable, or happy anymore. Do I fake it? Sure. I think I do a pretty decent job of it too since I don't think people know how close to the edge I am all the time. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I can't hurt my mom, or Jon or the people around me like that. And you know what, sometimes that makes me mad. It makes me mad that the same stupid instinct that keeps me from getting my lipped pierced because Jon wouldn't like it, to not dying my hair a weird color again because my mom said I can't is what keeps me alive. It's not every day, but it's often enough.

I don't see a way out because the things that are needed to climb up and get out are things either I can't do or I seem unwilling to do. I am not unaware of what I could do, but I can't do them and even then a few of them are only half options anyway and if I actually asked to act on them, I'd be able to but the other people wouldn't be happy about it.

I am exhausted, I am worn out and I wish I didn't care anymore. But I do. I want to be happy. Jon says the last time I was "happy" was the day I was going to talk to Ann's insurance guy, but before I actually talked to him. It's been much longer than that. I can't remember the last time I would be what people qualify as happy.

I don't know what it's like to be comfortable, to be if not ahead on bills at least not behind. I don't know what it's like not to live in fear and under pressure, scrapping by day to day. Yes, I know lots of people go through that and lots of people probably still where when they were my age. But, I look at the people I know who are my age, and I am so far behind them it's pathetic. They're married, making enough money to pay their bills and in some cases actually buy a house and start a family. Me? I am barely making it in a cheap apartment where the gas was turned off over a year ago because I couldn't pay the bill.

The current issue is the storage unit I have. Could I go, dig out the things that were vital to me and let the unit go, let them put the item up for auction eventually.... sure I could. But that's wrong so I don't want to do that. I have to clean my apartment to make the room for the stuff from the unit. Have I done that? No. I talk about it, I plan to do something, but then I don't. And part of the reason is.... okay. So I clean it up. Where does the money come from to get a truck, to get the stuff from storage? I don't have it.

I make very little money, I get paid twice a month. The first paycheck, goes to rent leaving me with not enough to get to the next check. The next check gets the electric bill and car insurance taken out and the rest is for food and gas and life. The times I've gone to "Happy Hour" after work I've gotten cheap things, or sat drinking nothing but free refill pops because I don't have money for anything else.

I don't go anywhere, I don't see movies, don't go out to eat, don't go to conventions, gatherings or anything else. I say it's because I don't want to, but it is because I can't afford too.

For the past few months I've seriously considered putting my cats and my dog in my car the morning I get paid and just driving away. Where would I go? I don't know. Anywhere but here.

I hate my life, I hate where I am and I don't know how to get out because the options aren't reachable for me. I want to give up, but even that isn't an option for me.

I'm not in control of anything. I'm worried about how everyone else feels about it. I am unable to put myself first, I can't stand up for myself, I can't escape.

Maybe I'm just not a strong enough person to be happy. Maybe I'm not smart enough, talented enough or deserving enough to have a decent life. And if that's the case.... fuck it why try right?

Every time I hear Lady GaGa's " Born This Way " I say to myself " .... wow... I hope not. Otherwise there is no point in anything"

There's a line from a t.v show that is pretty accurate " ... every time I have been happy, the Universe has conspired to do something nasty to me". Even when it looked like it would turn around, something came up and ruined it. Hard to have hope after a while.

There is no path out. My life feels like a dead end.

I know that I did this to myself. I know I did that. I've made stupid choices, idiotic painfully stupid choices in my life. Now, I'm seeing that the consequences are worse than I could have imagined and that I may have backed myself into a spot where there is no coming out again.

I am not asking for anything. Just ..... needed to get this out.